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Grandparenting
Twenty Five Tips for Parents Whose
Children are Getting a Divorce
by
Laura Johnson
 Here
are some do's, don'ts, and tips to help you handle things when
your son or your daughter says, "Mom and Dad, I'm getting
a divorce."
- Don't
become personally involved in your child's divorce.
- Don't
ask your friend, the lawyer, to represent your son or
daughter.
- Don't
go to meetings between your son or your daughter and
his or her lawyer.
- Don't
let your son's or daughter's divorce affect your relationship
with your other children.
- Don't
interfere with your son-in-law's or daughter-in-law's
visitation rights with your grandchildren.
- Don't
say bad or derogatory things about your child's spouse
in front of your grandchildren.
- Control
your protective instincts and avoid becoming caught
up in the nastiness of the "he said—she said"
side of divorce. Recognize that divorce and family break
ups are highly charged emotional events and can easily erupt
into violent situations. Take precautions to protect your
family's safety.
- Do
listen to your son or daughter if he or she confides in
you about the break up of the marriage; be supportive,
but don't say things that will fuel feelings of anger, distrust,
anxiety, or hopelessness.
- Don't
help your child hide money or assets. If you're caught,
in addition to becoming a party to your child's divorce
or a legal action after the divorce, you could jeopardize
your own assets.
- Do
pay extra attention to your grandchildren. Their mom
and dad may become so caught up in their own feelings about
the divorce, that they will unintentionally fail to spend
enough time listening to and doing things with their children.
- Realize
that your grandchildren's schedule of life will be drastically
changed. They will be shuffled between dad's home and
mom's home and each parent may jealously guard his or her
time with the children. You may have to make special plans,
weeks in advance for family get-togethers so that you have
time with your grandchildren.
- If
either of your grandchildren's parents will not let
you have time with your grandchildren, learn about the grandparent
visitation
laws in your state, and take legal steps enforce those
rights if necessary.
- Your
grandchildren need you during and after their parent's
divorce. Call them on the phone, write letters, send cards,
and spend time with them.
- If
your son-in-law or your daughter-in-law will have custody
of your grandchildren, talk to him or her about your
access to your grandchildren. Understand that it will be
probably be uncomfortable for everyone and that you may
be met with resistance, resentment and suspicion. Plan,
in advance, for ways you can reduce those feelings.
- Become
involved in making "new" family traditions
for your child and grandchildren to replace those lost in
the ending of your child's marriage.
- Attend
your grandchildren's special events, such as sports
games, recitals, and school affairs where families are invited.
- If
there are allegations that your son or your daughter has
abused or neglected your grandchildren, be prepared
for the possibility that you may be ordered by the court
to supervise his or her time spent with your grandchildren.
Take this responsibility very seriously and assume that
you will have to tell the judge, under oath, about what
occurred during the times you supervised your child's access
to your grandchildren. During the time that you are charged
with this responsibility, never leave your child alone with
your grandchildren and be prepared for the possibility that
you will become a target of your child's spouse or ex-spouse.
- Do
help your child become educated about the divorce process,
financial planning, child custody, and recovery from divorce.
- If
you own property, especially real estate, with your
son and daughter be prepared to be named as a party to the
divorce proceedings. This is so the court can "divide"
the property in which you have an ownership interest.
- If
your son or your daughter moves into your home during
the pendency of his or her divorce, set rules about household
chores, payment of household bills, transportation, and
payment for room and board. Have your child sign a lease
evidencing your agreement and require regular payments.
- If
your grandchildren, as well as your child, live in your
home during the pendency of your child's divorce, discuss
with your child how your grandchildren's day care, transportation,
discipline and social life will be handled.
- If
your child doesn't have any money, receive sufficient
financial support, or have enough income to pay for everything
that he or she is supposed to, plan for the possibility
that you may become a secondary source of financial support
for your child and grandchildren.
- If
you loan your child money to pay for your child's or
your grandchildren's living expenses, always do it with
a promissory note. If possible, secure your loan with any
property that your child may receive in the divorce or with
your child's future earnings. Make sure that you charge
a reasonable rate of interest and expect monthly payments.
- Plan
for the possibility that your child may ask you for large
sums of money to pay divorce lawyers and other costs
of litigation. If you do provide money, always do it in
the form of a loan, charge interest, and demand repayment,
but expect that it will take a long time to get your money
back, if you ever do. If possible, secure your loan with
any property or fee award that your child may receive in
the divorce.
- Tell
your child and your grandchildren that you love them. Give
them lots of smiles, hugs and kisses. They need them more
than ever during and after a divorce.
source:
SmartDivorce.com
Other
Web Sites of Interest:
Grandparent
Divorce Weakens Relationships with Grandchildren
Top
Ten Ways to Help Your Grandchildren Through Divorce
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