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When Your Kids Don't Get Along
Sibling Rivalry Happens in the Best Families

If there is more than one child in your house there is a slight chance that there will be an occasional moment that they do not like each other very much.

Actually, there is much more than a slight chance. The chances are more than likely. The reasons will run the gambit from overtired crankiness to a real animosity between siblings. The textbooks call this sibling rivalry. Although it may make you crazy, it is very normal.

Do family's exist where the children get along all the time, where sibling rivalry never crops up? It is pretty safe to say no. Adults, who have been through many relationships and life experiences and, hopefully, learned from them, often have trouble getting along with each other...all the time. Why should we expect kids to have the skills we are still trying to master? As adults it is up to us to set a good example and to help the children we to love get along...at least most of the time. It's never too early to start learning how to negotiate and work out differences without resorting to screaming fits or fists.

Sibling Rivalry in Action
Sibling rivalry may be the result of different genders. It is difficult for girls and boys to play the same games together or talk about the same things. Girls may spend hours palying with Barbie. For most boys, the best role to play in Barbie-land is the earthquake that takes out the pool with all the girls in it. This only works until the grown-up of the house stops the fun. Johnny is called inside, told to leave the girls alone and the grown-up goes back to doing whatever he or she was doing before being so rudely interrupted.

This tactic, although logical, will only cause more of a problem. Little Johnny, in his boyish way, was playing. True, the girls may have seen it as being a nuisance, but a group of boys would have all joined in.

When a child is corrected without an explanation of what was wrong with the behavior, it's confusing. The natural reaction is to get defensive and angry. Think about how you would feel if you were corrected for cleaning the table. What's wrong with cleaning the table? Nothing, unless the papers strewn on it are bills sorted into piles to pay. Your behavior, cleaning the table, was not wrong, just not appropriate for that situation. Understanding why it caused a problem helps you to accept the other person's annoyance as valid. Instead of getting confused, frustrated and mad because you were reprimanded for doing something you thought was fine, you learn that throwing bills out is not a good thing to do.

Appropriate Behavior
Instead of labeling the behavior as bad, explain that his behavior was not appropriate. "Johnny, overturning the pool upset the girls. I know you were just playing but it isn't playing unless everyone is having fun." Let him know that he wasn't doing anything basically wrong, but in that situation it just didn't fit. He can accept that it was a bad idea -- in that context. He can learn to pay attention to how his behavior is affecting others. This lesson comes in handy at home, at school and, years later, at work and in his own home.

Realize that problem is not Johnny. He just needs someone with common interests to play with. Try redirecting his energy to more group oriented activity or to something he can do by himself.

Perhaps instead of playing Barbie, the group could play a game or make snacks together. If the girls can't be pried away from dolls, suggest reading a book, playing a computer game or a bike ride. These might work to keep the peace, but they don't address the issue of the girls shutting Johnny out of the group activity.

Group Dynamics
When everyone can't take part in a group activity, it isn't a good activity. There isn't anything wrong with Johnny resenting the girls playing a game that he can't take part in. If Johnny and his friends were playing tackle football, Susie might be the problem child. No one likes being excluded from a group.

Validation Is Vital
Next, recognize and validate his feelings, "I bet it isn't much fun watching a bunch of girls play with their Barbies." Take the sting out of the lesson. Let him know that his reaction is understandable. He was doing his best to take part in the group activity. It's not his fault that the game was not appropriate. Try to explain what was wrong with the way he chose to participate and let him tink of alternatives that might work better. Can he play the driver of Barbie's car? Are there craft materials to make a bench or table for Barbie? Learning to adapt to group situations is an important life lesson.

Finally, take some time out of your day for play and show him that he is fun to play with, "I have some time right now and I would love to play a game or do something fun with you. What do you want to do?" When little Johnny isn't so bored trying to find something to do, he will get along much better with his sisters.

Just be prepared for the complaints that you're playing with him and not the girls.

There are no simple solutions because your children are complex people. Just remember that your kids do love each other and one day, when they are grown, they will probably be best friends...who still get on each other's nerves every once in a while.

More about sibling rivalry around the Web:

Child Development Institute - Handling Sibling Rivalry

Your Child & Sibling Rivalry

Living With Your Teenager - Dealing With Sibling Rivalry

also see in Health -> Child Development